Thinking of you

I think I'm in deep shit! It's either that or I'm just being emo for no reason.

Having a relationship (now very much defunct) which span over 5 years where it was maintained on long distance mode ... I or we learned how not to be to attach to each other. It's not a nice place to be despite how much I cherished the good times.

And now, I think I've a problem to build this "attachment" with anyone at all. I felt useless and I hate myself for having to like someone... The idea of starting something and then having to end it is too much to bear.....

I felt useless and that I will lose my individuality if I'm with someone. Once u are in are a relationship, every decision you make, you'll have to consider the other half . I'll hate to lose that individuality and independence, but in my moments of weakness.... I do like the idea that I have that one person to go to, that one person who can make thing feel alright by just being there.

I hate it when I have this person in my mind but my mind and soul say I should build this massive retaining wall to protect the singlehood where I have my freedom and space. This is one space that without the attachment, I know there won't be the pain of losing that someone. Not quite sure how many times one person can take that and still function as if nothing has happened.

I think I'm too guarded to go "heck care, I should just give it go and sees what happens!". I'm more comfortable to stay where I am, because right now, I can still do the damage control before any damage occurs..... Sigh! Don't I hate myself for thinking too much?

They sure never tell you that growing up and having to make a decision is so painfully difficult.

What should I really do?

Of space. , freedom and loneliness

Until tragedy strikes, you dont't really want to think how many people u can call for help. Having my own time, career and space .... The freedom to be random and spontaneous can be a blessing and is the most enjoyable element of being single in foreign land.

Then when I are out at middle of no where, ok ... I think Sydney airport not exactly middle of no where... Anyway, on my trip home from Sydney to Adelaide, I was hit by this bout of dizziness and was getting quite nauseous. It's that bad that I have to hold on to a random person next to me just to steady myself.

The random uncle was nice enough to get me a cup of Sprite, as I told him I might have low blood sugar. He then notified the staff at the airport who took me to the qantas service desks so they can watch over me while I rest at the lounge.

At that point, I don't really care what others might think or how I'll look with my head lolling around, while I slump on a chair.

After bouts of senseless resting... I got up feeling that I'm vaguely myself again, I thanked the service desks staff and they direct me to the boarding gate. At this point, I utterly in self-pity mode and realized that there's really no one that I could call for help.

Emailed Pegs, as I think with her recent experience of being stranded in Rome she will understand... And amazingly she called me and that was really as good as a hug from her! Thanks babe!

Nevertheless, I arrived at adelaide airport and took a cab home, without a moment where I wasn't thinking that ... If I'm back in KL... I'll will have friends and family who will pick me up from the airport.