As I sees it - the world gets a bit greyer each day

2014 have been quite a year....there's still 4 more months to go before its the end, and I cannot imagine what else can entail....

Missing plane, plane shot down, war, Rocky's passing, and now the passing of a gentle soul, Robin Williams. Its like someone gave the world a shove and push it out of its balance. The feeling of unsettleness just sinks in deep with me. Maybe its just the moon phase - creating this strong cosmic sensitivity - I just feel so affected by all these.

It made me realise that as I grow older,  the world become meaner, and I lack the courage and bravado to be the bubbly self that I show the world. Only the few who knew me well, and my family see the true me - the one that can actually hurt, the one that actually need some help now and then (despite my stubborness)...
they stick it through with me (God, I am thankful that you have blessed me with my wonderful family and those few friends who are with me - no matter what).

The passing of Rocky - might be the last straw as I feel a gaping hole inside me. Its like my happiness powerbank is sucked dry all in one night. I find myself finding things to keep me busy, having more drinks than I should so I can sleep better, and working late, and I even stoop down to "working out" so I can just be so tired, and sleep and not think. I find myself constantly in search of company of friends and family so I don't feel so alone.

It hit home last night - my first night that I am not so tired that I will just fall on the bed and sleep since Rocky passed. Even on the flight from KL to Beijing, in the moment of silence and being alone - I can't help remembering the look on Rocky's face when he passed. Was he feeling sad ? Is he scared ? I don't know and the feeling of helplessness...that I can't do anything but watch.....and how Rocky spent 11 years of his precious life, waiting to be loved, to be hugged and kissed and where was I ?? I was in Adelaide, I was out working, I was hiding in my room doing nothing...the guilt of how much he had gave me, and how little I gave back............I guessed I just need to continue to keep busy, stay numb and try to move on.......